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It’s tough being a college student. All of the pressures associated with being in your early twenties, still shaking off the awkwardness that plagued your teenage years, hormones raging even more with the increased amount of substance abuse. When your roommate heads out for the day, it’s nice to know that you can achieve some peace and rub one out every once in a while.
This hasn’t been the case lately for St. John’s University students. Slow internet in the dormitories is forcing many a porn watchers to flock to other buildings on campus with stronger WiFi, specifically the D’Angelo Center bathrooms.
“It takes a fucking eternity for my streaming porn to buffer!” said sophomore Tyler Dalton, who is fed up with the internet in Century and admitted to visiting the DAC frequently to masturbate.
“I just jump into a stall, drop the pants, sit on the toilet, open up my laptop, surf around for a while and then do my thang [sic],” Dalton continued.
It would appear that both genders are involved in this recent phenomenon. One needn’t stand but ten feet in front of the ladies room door to hear the incessant buzzing of vibrators and sounds reminiscent of the “I’ll have what she’s having” scene from When Harry Met Sally.
While many appear to be adapting to their new masturbatory habit smoothly, perhaps just as many are irritated by the influx of wankers at the University’s main hangout.
“I really have to take a shit, but every stall is full,” said Henry Dubois, a junior. “They’re all jerking off in there. You can hear moaning and screaming coming out of their headphones.”
“We have a real problem on our hands,” said one university official who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of looking like a douche. When asked whether he intended the pun within his “we have a real problem on our hands,” statement, he declined to comment.
“This is a Catholic university, so we don’t condone this kind of lustful behavior,” the official continued. “Who am I kidding. I wank it at least once a day in my office. It’s honestly the only reason I send my interns home early.”
The University did attempt to put an end to the problem by placing a public safety officer in each DAC bathroom to remove any student who displayed signs of masturbating. It soon backed down from this plan however after predicting the slew of lawsuits that would most likely result.
Administrators now face the question of improving internet speed in the dorms so kids can jerk off in their rooms, or continuing to put up with the recent masturbatory migration. The balls are in their court. For now, it appears students will continue DAC-ing off in the D’Angelo Center.
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