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More and more St. John’s smokers are relying on the charity of others and it’s pissing pack buyers off.
“Whenever I light up, I can’t take three steps without someone asking if they can bum a cig,” said Ryan Voss, a junior.
Some smokers are still willing to bum, but are more contemplative as to who can receive their donations.
“Money is tight,” said Juan Gomez, a senior. “I only bum to hot chicks nowadays.”
Other students charge for loosies.
“If you want one of my cigarettes, then you better have a dollar for me,” said sophomore Stephanie Klein. “And no coins either.”
The administration has refused to acknowledge the problem.
“It’s scientifically proven to kill you. I could give a shit how they feel,” said one University administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he swore.
A male student stylishly skateboarded his way through campus this afternoon and made it just in time to his 12:15 p.m. class in Marillac Hall.
The skateboarder was first seen cruising through Gate 1, weaving in and out of students on their way to class.
“Hey, watch it guy!” one jocky looking student was reported as saying to the skateboarder.
The skateboarder then made his way down the paths that cross the Great Lawn, doing an ollie here and a kick flip there, garnering stares from onlookers all around.
As the skateboarder approached the outdoor stairway connected to Marillac, no one knew what to expect.
“I thought he was going to fall for sure,” said sophomore Kaitlin Applebee.
Instead of falling down the stairway, the skateboarder ollied up onto the railing and did a perfect board slide grind onto the walkway below.
It was then a quick skate over to the first floor entrance of Marillac, where the skateboarder stayed on his board even after entering the building.
“No skateboarding allowed inside!” yelled one unhip professor.
The skateboarder paid him no mind however and just skated into his classroom, where he then jumped off his board and kicked it up to himself just as the clock struck 12:15. On his way to his desk, he flipped his long hair back and nodded to a pretty girl, who smiled wistfully at him.
“I’m almost positive I’m going to sleep with him this weekend,” said the girl, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of looking like a skank.
The skateboarder did not make himself available for comment, but that could have been due to the fact that he had his ear buds in as he skated off from class and was unable to hear this reporter’s requests.
It’s tough being a college student. All of the pressures associated with being in your early twenties, still shaking off the awkwardness that plagued your teenage years, hormones raging even more with the increased amount of substance abuse. When your roommate heads out for the day, it’s nice to know that you can achieve some peace and rub one out every once in a while.
This hasn’t been the case lately for St. John’s University students. Slow internet in the dormitories is forcing many a porn watchers to flock to other buildings on campus with stronger WiFi, specifically the D’Angelo Center bathrooms.
“It takes a fucking eternity for my streaming porn to buffer!” said sophomore Tyler Dalton, who is fed up with the internet in Century and admitted to visiting the DAC frequently to masturbate.
“I just jump into a stall, drop the pants, sit on the toilet, open up my laptop, surf around for a while and then do my thang [sic],” Dalton continued.
It would appear that both genders are involved in this recent phenomenon. One needn’t stand but ten feet in front of the ladies room door to hear the incessant buzzing of vibrators and sounds reminiscent of the “I’ll have what she’s having” scene from When Harry Met Sally.
While many appear to be adapting to their new masturbatory habit smoothly, perhaps just as many are irritated by the influx of wankers at the University’s main hangout.
“I really have to take a shit, but every stall is full,” said Henry Dubois, a junior. “They’re all jerking off in there. You can hear moaning and screaming coming out of their headphones.”
“We have a real problem on our hands,” said one university official who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of looking like a douche. When asked whether he intended the pun within his “we have a real problem on our hands,” statement, he declined to comment.
“This is a Catholic university, so we don’t condone this kind of lustful behavior,” the official continued. “Who am I kidding. I wank it at least once a day in my office. It’s honestly the only reason I send my interns home early.”
The University did attempt to put an end to the problem by placing a public safety officer in each DAC bathroom to remove any student who displayed signs of masturbating. It soon backed down from this plan however after predicting the slew of lawsuits that would most likely result.
Administrators now face the question of improving internet speed in the dorms so kids can jerk off in their rooms, or continuing to put up with the recent masturbatory migration. The balls are in their court. For now, it appears students will continue DAC-ing off in the D’Angelo Center.
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A group of students under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms were seen gathered around the “St. Vincent de Paul and Friends” statues that stand outside Marillac Hall this afternoon.
Many of them appeared to either be in deep conversation with the three lifeless figures or were laughing hysterically as if one of them had just recited a joke.
“Those were statues?” said sophomore Brendan Carrington after coming down from his buzz. “No way. I smoked like six cigarettes with those guys. We argued about whether Machiavelli’s philosophy was paranoid or just advocated preparedness.”
“I’m pretty sure the one on the right has my father’s face but Bugs Bunny’s body,” said Tamara Halverson, a junior.
While no one appeared to be overly intoxicated, members of the University’s Stressbusters program were called in to offer consolation to a few students who were “freaking out.” All in all, the group agreed that it was a pretty chill time.
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A student was hospitalized this afternoon after being assaulted by a mob of students who were not fond of his piano playing.
It all started when sophomore Aaron Gregorio sat down at the piano in the DAC and began striking each key in sequence.
It didn’t take long for Gregorio to receive irritated glares, pleas to stop and boo’s from other students. At one point, students on the second floor of the DAC even threw food down onto him.
“I told him, hey, bro, I’m really glad you know your C major scale and all, but if you don’t play a fucking song soon, I’m going to break your fingers,” said Shakir Williams, a junior.
After this exchange, Gregorio finally got the point. But it didn’t make his performance any less aggravating.
“He started playing the fucking theme to Super Mario!” said Emily Walter, a senior. “That’s just as bad!”
According to witnesses, by the time Gregorio reached the part in the song that plays when Mario enters Bowser’s castle, everyone in the first floor living room of the DAC surrounded him, pulled him from the piano bench and proceeded to beat him mercilessly.
Public Safety was soon called to break up the mauling. Shortly after that, an ambulance arrived to pick up Gregorio.
While it is procedure to discipline students for this kind of offense, members of Public Safety quickly empathized with the attackers after learning of their motive.
“The Mario Brothers theme on a piano? That does sound pretty goddamn annoying,” said Earl McGuthrie of Public Safety.
Gregorio is currently being treated at Flushing Hospital Medical Center. The exact nature of his injuries is not yet known.
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