Red Farce

News Brief: Editor to graduate, thanks readers for all the laughs, or at least, like, smiles

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 10:25:59 -0500

News Brief: Ghost of Cecilia Chang and Ghost of Steve Lavin’s Prostate Tumor visit grumpy student to remind him of Christmas Spirit

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 10:43:14 -0500

News Brief: Sophomore has to have testicle removed after mistiming library turnstile

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 19:22:05 -0500

News Brief: Overhead projectors, frustrated over not being used in decades, become self aware and carry out vengeance on classroom computers

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 10:50:40 -0500

News Brief: Head writer’s chances of getting a job at ‘The Onion’ after graduation are slim to none, according to his mother

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:08:02 -0500

News Brief: University poisons campus water supply; only antidote is to complete course evaluations

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:54:31 -0500

News Brief: Staff unable to determine why they’re only able to come up with hilarious headlines this year and not hilarious stories

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 11:10:33 -0500

News Brief: Guy who always brushes teeth in DAC bathroom is physically incapable of waking up 2 minutes earlier to do it at home

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 10:49:09 -0500

News Brief: Investigation reveals that department responsible for climate control in classrooms is literally a group of fucking apes

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 10:47:49 -0500

News Brief: Friday, December 7 and Saturday, December 8 will be on a 'Fuck it' schedule

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 12:57:31 -0500

News Brief: Foam party ends up being gross just like expected, students wonder why they continue to attend them

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 10:46:20 -0500

News Brief: University creates and donates over 1,000 wigs from all the hair on classroom floors

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 10:56:05 -0500

News Brief: As skateboards quickly become less cool, many students are zipping around campus on street luges

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 10:45:10 -0500

News Brief: 9 out of 10 Sports Management majors agree that the one girl in their program is “a pretty cool chick”

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 10:51:00 -0400

News Brief: Student who studies with his headphones blaring all the time doesn’t understand why he’s failing all of his classes

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 10:51:56 -0400

Public Safety Advisory

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 10:48:48 -0400

A St. John’s University student was the victim of an assault on campus on Thursday, October 18 at 9:30 a.m.

The victim was walking southbound underneath a tree on a path going through the Great Lawn when an acorn pelted him on the top of the head.

The description of the suspect is as follows:

A squirrel.

Anyone with further knowledge of this incident is encouraged to contact Public Safety.

News Brief: University changes name of athletic program to ‘Blue Storm’ after Crips establish dominance in Jamaica

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 11:57:46 -0400

Mock trial team’s performance leads to defendant’s mock execution

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 10:42:18 -0400

The University’s mock trial team, which was known for kicking so much ass last year that they were featured on the homepage of St. John’s Central 412 times, recently scored a victory that had one unlucky drama student scared for his life.

It began when A.J. Truman, a dramatic arts major, was asked to play the defendant in the mock trial team’s most recent competition.

“It wasn’t a paid gig,” Truman said, “but they said they’d give me one of those ‘We Make it Storm’ t-shirts, so I was like, ‘Whatever, I’ll do it.’”

Truman’s role was a man suspected of commiting several grisly murders and fornicating with the corpses afterward. According to the transcript from the proceedings, there was very little evidence leading his character to the crimes.

“I decided to take a method approach to the whole thing, something akin to Brando or James Dean,” Truman said before being cut off by this reporter, because there’s nothing more annoying than a struggling actor talking about his “work.”

In the end, the University’s mock trial team was able to win their 632^nd trophy of the year by proving Truman guilty, despite an admirable performance by the team from South Lyon University.

After reading the verdict, the judge banged his gavel and said, “I hereby sentence Austin James Truman to death for these heinous crimes.”

Truman just sat in his chair at the defense table and smiled, thinking the remark to be a joke. When two members of Public Safety came over and slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, he appeared to become quite concerned.

As Public Safety hauled Truman out of the mock court room, the entire crowd of spectators followed, yelling slurs at him all the while.

“I hope he burns in hell!” shouted one of the audience members.

After exiting the building, Public Safety escorted Truman to the Great Lawn, where a full-blown gallows had been set up for the occasion.

“I was like, ‘You gotta be fucking kidding me,’” Truman said.

Truman eventually found himself up on the platform of the gallows, where a person in a Johnny Thunderbird costume wearing a black undertaker’s mask placed a noose around his neck. Eventually Father Harrington made his way through the crowd and joined Truman on the platform, where he prayed that God have mercy on his soul. He then asked Truman if he had any final words, to which the young actor responded by exploding into a fit of uncontrollable weeping and begged for everyone to realize how crazy it all was and to please stop.

Father Harrington stoically crossed Truman’s chest and then signaled to the Johnny Thunderbird undertaker. It was then that a dark stain appeared on the crotch of Truman’s khakis and began to spread downward.

“He pissed his pants!” shouted one of the spectators.

The crowd immediately burst into an uproar of laughter. According to one witness, Father Harrington laughed hardest of all and at one point even had to drop to one knee to catch his breath.

Public Safety then released Truman, who tried to explain to the crowd that he was acting the whole time, but no one believed him.

News Brief: Male sophomore unable to tell if girl is ignoring him because she’s repulsed or if she’s just pledging

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 15:44:37 -0400

NEWS BRIEF: In an attempt to appeal to younger Catholics, the...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 10:47:56 -0400

NEWS BRIEF: In an attempt to appeal to younger Catholics, the University recently approved a Boondock Saints statue to be erected on campus next month. Sculptors say the statue, which will be carved out of stone, will look like the photo above. It will stand in the center of the Great Lawn. That prayer that they say in the movie right before they kill people that your annoying friend has memorized and quotes constantly will be engraved in it as well.