Red Farce

Angry students attack shitty piano player in the D’Angelo Center

A student was hospitalized this afternoon after being assaulted by a mob of students who were not fond of his piano playing.

It all started when sophomore Aaron Gregorio sat down at the piano in the DAC and began striking each key in sequence.

It didn’t take long for Gregorio to receive irritated glares, pleas to stop and boo’s from other students. At one point, students on the second floor of the DAC even threw food down onto him.

“I told him, hey, bro, I’m really glad you know your C major scale and all, but if you don’t play a fucking song soon, I’m going to break your fingers,” said Shakir Williams, a junior.

After this exchange, Gregorio finally got the point. But it didn’t make his performance any less aggravating.

“He started playing the fucking theme to Super Mario!” said Emily Walter, a senior. “That’s just as bad!”

According to witnesses, by the time Gregorio reached the part in the song that plays when Mario enters Bowser’s castle, everyone in the first floor living room of the DAC surrounded him, pulled him from the piano bench and proceeded to beat him mercilessly.

Public Safety was soon called to break up the mauling. Shortly after that, an ambulance arrived to pick up Gregorio.

While it is procedure to discipline students for this kind of offense, members of Public Safety quickly empathized with the attackers after learning of their motive.

“The Mario Brothers theme on a piano? That does sound pretty goddamn annoying,” said Earl McGuthrie of Public Safety.

Gregorio is currently being treated at Flushing Hospital Medical Center. The exact nature of his injuries is not yet known.