Mock trial team’s performance leads to defendant’s mock execution
The University’s mock trial team, which was known for kicking so much ass last year that they were featured on the homepage of St. John’s Central 412 times, recently scored a victory that had one unlucky drama student scared for his life.
It began when A.J. Truman, a dramatic arts major, was asked to play the defendant in the mock trial team’s most recent competition.
“It wasn’t a paid gig,” Truman said, “but they said they’d give me one of those ‘We Make it Storm’ t-shirts, so I was like, ‘Whatever, I’ll do it.’”
Truman’s role was a man suspected of commiting several grisly murders and fornicating with the corpses afterward. According to the transcript from the proceedings, there was very little evidence leading his character to the crimes.
“I decided to take a method approach to the whole thing, something akin to Brando or James Dean,” Truman said before being cut off by this reporter, because there’s nothing more annoying than a struggling actor talking about his “work.”
In the end, the University’s mock trial team was able to win their 632nd trophy of the year by proving Truman guilty, despite an admirable performance by the team from South Lyon University.
After reading the verdict, the judge banged his gavel and said, “I hereby sentence Austin James Truman to death for these heinous crimes.”
Truman just sat in his chair at the defense table and smiled, thinking the remark to be a joke. When two members of Public Safety came over and slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, he appeared to become quite concerned.
As Public Safety hauled Truman out of the mock court room, the entire crowd of spectators followed, yelling slurs at him all the while.
“I hope he burns in hell!” shouted one of the audience members.
After exiting the building, Public Safety escorted Truman to the Great Lawn, where a full-blown gallows had been set up for the occasion.
“I was like, ‘You gotta be fucking kidding me,’” Truman said.
Truman eventually found himself up on the platform of the gallows, where a person in a Johnny Thunderbird costume wearing a black undertaker’s mask placed a noose around his neck. Eventually Father Harrington made his way through the crowd and joined Truman on the platform, where he prayed that God have mercy on his soul. He then asked Truman if he had any final words, to which the young actor responded by exploding into a fit of uncontrollable weeping and begged for everyone to realize how crazy it all was and to please stop.
Father Harrington stoically crossed Truman’s chest and then signaled to the Johnny Thunderbird undertaker. It was then that a dark stain appeared on the crotch of Truman’s khakis and began to spread downward.
“He pissed his pants!” shouted one of the spectators.
The crowd immediately burst into an uproar of laughter. According to one witness, Father Harrington laughed hardest of all and at one point even had to drop to one knee to catch his breath.
Public Safety then released Truman, who tried to explain to the crowd that he was acting the whole time, but no one believed him.
According to several marijuana users enrolled at the University, a local pot dealer has started accepting MVP points in exchange for his product.
MVP points are given to students for attending various University events. The points, which are totaled on their StormCards, can be used to obtain prizes ranging from Red Storm t-shirts to gift cards from area merchants. This is the first time in the history of the University that students have been able to purchase drugs through the program.
“It’s great!” said Carl Horan, a freshman. “I just swipe in at one of the talks at the lecture series, get my points and then dip out after five minutes. I only have ten more points to go before I can get a dub!”
Wait, how the hell does this even work? You may be asking yourself. The staff at Red Farce had that same question. When we presented it to a University official however, he just shook his head and walked away.
Eventually we were able to track down this unique pot dealer and ask him just how his whole operation went down. Did he have a special machine that he used to swipe students’ StormCards in exchange for the pot? If so, what did he get out of it? It’s not like he could use the MVP points to buy gold-plated AK-47s, or whatever it is drug dealers buy.
“Oh, that’s not even pot that I’m giving them,” the drug dealer said on the condition of anonymity because, well, he deals drugs. “I just do it to fuck with people. Do you need anything?”
On Tuesday, September 25, Red Farce reported that students taking flag football too seriously were reminded that they were running around wearing Velcro straps around their waists. We have since learned that the belts used at University flag football games contain no Velcro. We apologize for this error.
The writer who reported the false information has been fired, beaten, his car windows have been smashed, his tires slashed, his house vandalized and his family has been threatened. We also drove a used car dealership his brother owns out of business.
Freshmen and transfer students are reminded that it’s ‘STJ,’ not friggin ‘SJU’
Freshmen and transfer students gathered in the Little Theatre this afternoon so that University officials could address their constant labeling of the University as “SJU” in tweets, Facebook posts and conversations, rather than the correct “STJ.”
“We gave you a pass during Welcome Week because you’re new here, but now it’s time to nip this in the bud,” said University counselor Andrew Zeitz, addressing the crowd.
“Why is it ‘STJ’ anyway?” asked freshman Melanie Hadwell. “Wouldn’t ‘SJU’ make more sense?”
“You’re absolutely right, it would,” replied Zeitz, “But there are many St. John’s Universities spread around the country, and even the world, and one of them has already taken ‘SJU’ as their abbreviation. We have to share, you see?”
“Which St. John is it anyway?” asked Toby Leighton, a transfer student from Delaware. “The one who baptized Jesus, or the apostle who tripped on acid and wrote Revelation?”
“The one who baptized Jesus,” replied Zeitz. “Wait, tripped on acid?”
“Yeah,” responded Leighton. “Haven’t you ever read Revelation? There’s like, a lion with seven eyes and a dragon trying to steal a baby from a pregnant lady. That guy was definitely tripping on acid.”
“A lot of Christians like to believe he was having a vision of heaven,” Zeitz said coldly.
“Did someone say something about doing acid?” said another student in the crowd who could not be identified.
“I have maybe six or seven hits left over from Bonaroo,” replied freshman Eric Roetman. “If we make a big batch of punch and dump them in there, we could probably all get a little fucked up for a couple hours.”
All of the students immediately began following Roetman out of the theater, leaving an irritated Zeitz standing on the stage by himself.
“Does it at least mean you’ll stop saying ‘SJU’?” Zeitz said, but no one answered him.
Montgoris heeds student complaints by offering fine dining
After years of complaints raised by students regarding the food quality at Montgoris dining hall, the University has decided to do away with the cafeteria style meals and bring in gourmet cuisine.
“Most of these kids’ favorite restaurant is Taco Bell. Honestly, I wouldn’t take their nutritional concerns too seriously,” said a University official who spoke on the condition of anonymity because his boss told him that if he ever saw his name in the press, he’d cut his balls off. “We’re just sick of hearing the students bitch about it, and there’s a shitload of cash left over in the budget so we figured we’d try to shut them up for a while. You know, until they find something else to complain about.”
New additions to Montgoris’ menu include Poireaux Braises slathered in Gorgonzola butter, Murgh Makhani with lemon-dill vinaigrette and Pollo Alla Cacciatora.
“I don’t even know what the fuck that is, but it sounds delicious,” said Jeff Schade, a junior. “Anything is better than burnt grilled cheese.”
The new gourmet chefs who have been hired to take on the new menu were unable to comment, mainly because they only speak French.
Carbon monoxide leak in library turns out to be false alarm; students just sleeping because they’re fucking lazy
The carbon monoxide leak in the library this afternoon turned out to be a false alarm, as it was soon discovered that everyone was just sleeping in there because they’re “lazy pieces of shit,” as one disgruntled student put it.
“I have homework to do and there’s nowhere to sit!” continued the student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of looking like a bitch. “And put your shoes back on, I can smell you from the reference desk.”
The reason behind the unconscious students was first thought by University librarian Maggie Sanzarelli to be carbon monoxide.
“I was certain it was some kind of poisonous gas leak,” said Sanzarelli. “Every single person in the library was unconscious. It was unreal.”
After maintenance employees realized that the sensors were working properly however, it was soon discovered that everyone was “just really tired and burnt out on classes,” as one student put it before rolling over in his armchair and going back to sleep.
For the first time in the 141 year history of the University, St. John’s will take part in the international pot smoking holiday on April 20 with a daylong celebration. Students will not only be permitted, but encouraged to use marijuana on campus throughout the entire day. The scheduled events are as follows:
8 a.m. – 10 a.m. Wake-n-Bake Breakfast at Montgoris Bongs on every table!
10 a.m. – noon Pipe making competition in the DAC living room Try your hand at constructing an impromptu pipe out of a bunch of random materials! 1st, 2nd and 3rd place prizes will be awarded. Munchies will be served.
2 p.m. – 3 p.m. Special 4/20 mass at St. Thomas More Church During communion ceremony, drinking wine will be replaced by taking tokes and wafers will be replaced by Doritos!
4:20 p.m. – Everyone gets really baked Location: wherever you happen to be at that moment
5 p.m. – Film screening in Marillac Auditorium Wizard of Oz on mute while Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon plays in the background
9 p.m. – Derek’s brother’s friend’s jam band plays on Great Lawn
University officials have decided that it’s time for the Great Lawn to get a new name. A special panel made up of students, professors and administrators has been devised in order to come up with the new title. A source close to the panel has said that they’ve narrowed their choices down to: The Awesome Lawn, The Kick-Ass Lawn, The Bitchin Lawn or The Fucktacular Lawn. They expect that a decision will be made by the end of the month.