December 2012
4 posts
News Brief: Editor to graduate, thanks readers for...
News Brief: Ghost of Cecilia Chang and Ghost of...
News Brief: Sophomore has to have testicle removed...
News Brief: Overhead projectors, frustrated over...
November 2012
9 posts
News Brief: Head writer’s chances of getting a job...
News Brief: University poisons campus water...
News Brief: Staff unable to determine why they’re...
News Brief: Guy who always brushes teeth in DAC...
News Brief: Investigation reveals that department...
News Brief: Friday, December 7 and Saturday,...
News Brief: Foam party ends up being gross just...
News Brief: University creates and donates over...
News Brief: As skateboards quickly become less...
October 2012
8 posts
News Brief: 9 out of 10 Sports Management majors...
News Brief: Student who studies with his...
Public Safety Advisory
A St. John’s University student was the victim of an assault on campus on Thursday, October 18 at 9:30 a.m.
The victim was walking southbound underneath a tree on a path going through the Great Lawn when an acorn pelted him on the top of the head.
The description of the suspect is as follows:
A squirrel.
Anyone with further knowledge of this incident is encouraged to contact Public...
News Brief: University changes name of athletic...
Mock trial team’s performance leads to defendant’s...
The University’s mock trial team, which was known for kicking so much ass last year that they were featured on the homepage of St. John’s Central 412 times, recently scored a victory that had one unlucky drama student scared for his life.
It began when A.J. Truman, a dramatic arts major, was asked to play the defendant in the mock trial team’s most recent competition.
“It wasn’t a paid gig,”...
News Brief: Male sophomore unable to tell if girl...
News Brief: University to replace that stupid...
September 2012
12 posts
Pot dealer starts accepting MVP points for bags
According to several marijuana users enrolled at the University, a local pot dealer has started accepting MVP points in exchange for his product.
MVP points are given to students for attending various University events. The points, which are totaled on their StormCards, can be used to obtain prizes ranging from Red Storm t-shirts to gift cards from area merchants. This is the first time in the...
Correction
On Tuesday, September 25, Red Farce reported that students taking flag football too seriously were reminded that they were running around wearing Velcro straps around their waists. We have since learned that the belts used at University flag football games contain no Velcro. We apologize for this error.
The writer who reported the false information has been fired, beaten, his car windows have...
News Brief: Students taking flag football too...
News Brief: Suddenly dawns on lit major that he’s...
I.T. releases new directions for printing on...
1. Click “Connect Printers” icon on desktop.
2. A trap door will open in the floor behind you. Jump down the chute, making sure to hold your arms in close to your body.
3. You will emerge from the chute in front of the Marillac fountain. Go to the fountain and look for a small key in the water.
4. Once you’ve found the key, go to JFK Airport (NOT LaGuardia).
5. Get on the first flight to...
News Brief: Panelists tell students that...
News Brief: Professors remind overly pretentious...
News Brief: Administration rejects proposal for...
News Brief: Physics major becomes distraught after...
News Brief: Apparently running out of Catholicy...
August 2012
4 posts
Freshmen and transfer students are reminded that...
Freshmen and transfer students gathered in the Little Theatre this afternoon so that University officials could address their constant labeling of the University as “SJU” in tweets, Facebook posts and conversations, rather than the correct “STJ.”
“We gave you a pass during Welcome Week because you’re new here, but now it’s time to nip this in the bud,” said University counselor Andrew Zeitz,...
News Brief: Editor stays up all night drinking,...
BREAKING: STJ's Campus Activities Twitter account...
May 2012
1 post
News Brief: Seniors looking forward to moving back...
April 2012
11 posts
News Brief: Student unable to comprehend why he...
1 tag
Montgoris heeds student complaints by offering...
After years of complaints raised by students regarding the food quality at Montgoris dining hall, the University has decided to do away with the cafeteria style meals and bring in gourmet cuisine.
“Most of these kids’ favorite restaurant is Taco Bell. Honestly, I wouldn’t take their nutritional concerns too seriously,” said a University official who spoke on the condition of anonymity because his...
1 tag
Cigarette bumming on campus at all time high
More and more St. John’s smokers are relying on the charity of others and it’s pissing pack buyers off.
“Whenever I light up, I can’t take three steps without someone asking if they can bum a cig,” said Ryan Voss, a junior.
Some smokers are still willing to bum, but are more contemplative as to who can receive their donations.
“Money is tight,” said Juan Gomez, a senior. “I only bum to hot chicks...
News Brief: Adderall’s stock jumps as finals week...
News Brief: Public Safety launches investigation...
Carbon monoxide leak in library turns out to be...
The carbon monoxide leak in the library this afternoon turned out to be a false alarm, as it was soon discovered that everyone was just sleeping in there because they’re “lazy pieces of shit,” as one disgruntled student put it.
“I have homework to do and there’s nowhere to sit!” continued the student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of looking like a bitch. “And put your shoes...
News Brief: Advertising major becomes distraught...
News Brief: Game of H-O-R-S-E on Montgoris Court...
University to celebrate 4/20
For the first time in the 141 year history of the University, St. John’s will take part in the international pot smoking holiday on April 20 with a daylong celebration. Students will not only be permitted, but encouraged to use marijuana on campus throughout the entire day. The scheduled events are as follows:
8 a.m. – 10 a.m. Wake-n-Bake Breakfast at Montgoris Bongs on every table!
10 a.m. –...
Great Lawn to get new name
University officials have decided that it’s time for the Great Lawn to get a new name. A special panel made up of students, professors and administrators has been devised in order to come up with the new title. A source close to the panel has said that they’ve narrowed their choices down to: The Awesome Lawn, The Kick-Ass Lawn, The Bitchin Lawn or The Fucktacular Lawn. They expect that a decision...
News Brief: Hoodie, basketball shorts and flip...
March 2012
15 posts
News Brief: US Dept. of Health & Human Services...
